We're kicking off our Love Strong series this month, and Amy and I couldn't be more excited about what God is going to do in our church family. Whether you're single, dating, married, or navigating friendships, this message is for you. Because at the end of the day, strong relationships don't happen by accident. They happen when we get the fundamentals right. My wife Amy and I shared some of these fundamentals in a team teaching on Sunday.
The Truth About "You Complete Me"
From Pastor Amy
Let me be real with you for a second. Remember that iconic line from Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger, "You complete me"? As a 17-year-old, I thought that was the most romantic thing I'd ever heard. But here's the truth: it's actually one of the worst relationship philosophies ever put on screen.
Social media and culture have sold us this fairy tale that finding the right person will complete us, that marriage equals happiness, that a relationship will fill every void in our lives. But that's not just unrealistic. It's spiritually dangerous. Because when we look to another person to complete us, we're asking them to do something only Jesus can do.
Jesus demonstrated this truth at the Last Supper when he broke bread with his disciples and said, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me." Communion isn't just a ritual we do in church. It's a reminder that our primary relationship, our foundational relationship, must be with Jesus first.
Remember: Your Individual Relationship with Christ
Here's what John Maxwell says: "Making the decision is the easy part, but managing the decision is the part that takes work." Chemistry might start your love story, but covenant continues it. And the only way to keep that covenant is by putting Jesus first.
When Pastor Jeff and I were youth pastors, we used to drive kids crazy because we wouldn't let boyfriends and girlfriends hold hands during worship. I know it sounds harsh, but here's why: you cannot worship God together. You can stand next to someone and worship at the same time, but we each stand before God individually. We're each accountable to God for ourselves and only ourselves.
This is why those couple's devotionals sitting on your nightstand gathering dust aren't the answer to your marriage problems. Don't get me wrong, Jeff and I talk each other's ears off about what we're learning in our personal time with God. We pray together over important decisions. We discuss vision and direction as a family. But our individual relationships with Jesus? That's the non-negotiable foundation. Please, young couples, forego the devotions together. You can keep each other accountable, but don't do it together. As a married couple, that is a rarity in our marriage.
Before Jeff and I could even realize that our relationship would be beneficial for our future, I had to come to terms with who I was called to be as an individual. I had to hear from God for myself about what I felt like God wanted me to do with my life. And I had a passionate relationship with Jesus that had nothing to do with him. Can I tell you it's no different in our marriage? That is my responsibility to sustain my relationship with the Lord.
Let me challenge you with some questions: Who are you in your relationship? Not your Enneagram number or your love language, but who are you really? Are you wholly devoted to Jesus? Do you seek His will daily? Are you working on your patience? Your pride? Are you choosing to stay soft-hearted when it would be easier to grow bitter?
Only you can answer those questions. And only you can do the work of keeping your heart devoted to Jesus. No one can force it. Not your spouse, not your pastor, not your small group leader. This is between you and God.
The Power of Being Unequally Yoked
From Pastor Jeffrey
Let me share something vulnerable. Before I met Amy, I dated a few girls who came to church because of me. They showed up, they lifted their hands at the right moments, they said the right things. Amy actually remembers some of those relationships because she was around. She'll tell you they would conveniently lift their hands in worship and do all the “right things” in church. But the moment we broke up? Those girls were gone. They were there for me, not for Jesus.
But when I saw Amy in a worship rehearsal one day, completely lost in the presence of God, weeping and worshiping with everything in her, I knew she had something I'd been searching for. Her relationship with God had nothing to do with me. And that made all the difference.
If you're single and dating someone who only comes to church because of you, hear this clearly: they're not coming for Jesus. They're coming so they don't lose you. And the likelihood is that when your relationship ends, so will their church attendance. Don't settle for someone who fakes it to keep you. Wait for someone whose fruit shows their devotion.
Jonathan Pokluda says, "Attending church no more makes you a Christian than eating at Five Guys makes you a hamburger." Attending church isn't the litmus test of whether someone is actually devoted to Jesus. It's the fruit in their life. It's the circle of friends they choose to keep. It's the patterns and behaviors you see. The commitment to the local church is beautiful, but look for alignment in values and genuine transformation.
From Pastor Amy
Now, if you're already married to someone who isn't walking with God, that's different. The Bible is clear that the faithfulness of one spouse has more power to save a marriage than the unfaithfulness of the other to destroy it. My grandparents lived a powerful story that testifies to this. My grandmother faithfully attended church for decades while my grandfather stayed home, only slipping his tithe check under her door each Sunday. He at least knew God would bless his money if nothing else.
But in the last ten years of their lives, he had a radical transformation. One day, he put on his suit and said, "Lois, I'm going to church with you." He served faithfully until he went home to be with Jesus. They even moved into the same bedroom together after years of sleeping separately.
That's an example of what we're talking about. My grandmother was faithful, she was committed, the fruit in her life showed, and it made a difference in their marriage in the long run. That's an amazing testimony of God's faithfulness. Your faithfulness matters. Your fruit speaks. Don't discount what God can do through your consistent devotion.
Love One Another: The Power of Basic Manners
From Pastor Jeffrey
Jesus told his disciples, "Love one another as I have loved you. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." So how did Jesus love people? With his attention. His kindness. His patience. His forgiveness. His presence.
And sometimes, loving people well comes down to something as simple as having good manners. I know that sounds elementary, but there’s a compelling case for this. Your manners are actually your values. They're how you force yourself to treat other people in the basics of life. And these fundamentals we teach our kids? They're the same things that can transform our adult relationships.
I'm Sorry
This is about repair. We teach kids to apologize quickly for mistakes, but as adults, we'll give each other the silent treatment for days rather than admit we were wrong. The silent treatment is so ridiculous. You start out mad, refusing to talk. Then hours pass, and you get bored. You have stories you want to share, but you can't because you're maintaining this act of being angry. You watch something funny and have to suppress your laugh. You're literally punishing yourself.
The spiritual power underneath "I'm sorry" is repentance. If we're reluctant to say it to people, maybe we're also reluctant to say it to God. The better we get at repenting before God should make us better at apologizing to people.
Thank You
From Pastor Amy
This is about reinforcement. Pastor Jeffrey tries to thank me for everything, even the things I'm "supposed" to do. Thank you for finding my keys. Thank you for getting my clothes dry-cleaned. Thank you for showing up on time. Okay, that last one is definitely directed at me. But seriously, don't take people for granted. Say thank you for the little things. The spiritual side of thank you is gratitude, and if we're grateful for what God has done, that should overflow into all our relationships.
Please
This is about respect. It shows humility. When you say please, you're acknowledging that you don't expect someone to serve you. You're asking out of respect and honor, not demanding as if it's their obligation.
Excuse Me
From Pastor Jeffrey
This is about dignity. The hallway to our bathroom is NOT wide. When we first moved into our house, we'd bump shoulders walking past each other. There were days I wasn't very nice about it, thinking to myself, "I'm standing right here! Turn sideways!" But over time, I learned that saying "excuse me" gives the other person dignity, regardless of whose fault it was. The spiritual side of this is honor. We should live lives that honor God and honor others.
After You
This is about preference. Whether it's walking through a door, taking the last cookie, or finishing someone's leftovers, the idea is preferring someone else when you could go first. Here is a warning for the husbands: yes, ask first before finishing her food. She may be saving that for later. Always thinking of the other person builds equity in your relationship.
Here's why all this matters: research from the Gottman Institute shows that healthy relationships maintain a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions. When you get in the habit of saying thank you, excuse me, and I'm sorry, you're building up those positive interactions. So when something negative happens, it's overwhelmed by the positive foundation you've built.
Let me add something important here. When our kids were small, these weren't just things that came naturally. For our family, it was a core value. We said, "You will look people in their eyes." Anyone who has a cell phone needs to go back to basics and relearn some of these behaviors. Looking people in the eye, being present, these are fundamentals we can't forget.
Healthy couples joke around with each other a lot and tease each other. We're really good at teasing. One time, Amy asked me turn on a light for her while she was reading. There were two switches, one for the light and one for the garbage disposal. I wanted to turn on the garbage disposal just to play a joke on her, but I chose to be the perfect husband and turn on the light instead. Then I read that statistic about healthy couples having fun together and realized that playfulness is actually a strong indicator of relationship health.
Serve Sacrificially: Make Love Visible
Jesus got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, wrapped a towel around his waist, poured water into a basin, and began to wash his disciples' feet. This wasn't a symbolic gesture. This was the job of the lowest servant in the household, and Jesus, the Son of God, chose to do it.
Love must become visible to be believable. Love is a verb. It's not just a feeling you have; it's something you put into action. And too often in our relationships, we're waiting for other people to serve us first. We're keeping score of all the times they didn't help with the groceries, didn't take out the trash, didn't do the dishes. We let these small things build up until they create contempt.
But Jesus demonstrates sacrificial love with no strings attached. He didn't say, "Let me show you how to do it so you'll return the favor." He just served. And that's what we're called to do in our relationships, whether with our spouse, our family, or our friends.
That's holy work, keeping a soft heart. Choosing to serve even when you don't feel like it. Choosing to love even when it's not returned the way you expect. Because when you serve with the right heart, you're sowing seeds for a future harvest in your relationship.
Truth That Becomes Momentum
Maybe you're thinking, "I've heard this stuff before." The Bible says in Hosea that God's people suffer for lack of knowledge, but it goes on to say they suffer "because they choose to forget." It's not that we don't have the information. It's that we don't retain it and apply it.
There’s a progression here: We need truth that becomes obedience, that becomes consistency, that becomes momentum. You know the truth about what you need to do in your relationships. But are you obeying it? Are you being consistent with it? Because consistency creates momentum, and momentum changes everything.
We want to encourage you: don't give up on your spouse. Don't give up on your friendships. Anything worth having requires perseverance. We've been together for 31 years, married for almost 25, and we can tell you with absolute certainty that we're in the greatest season of our marriage right now. We've been through ups and downs, but we never gave up on each other.
From Pastor Amy
This morning, Pastor Jeffrey told me thank you for never giving up on him. For all the times he deserved for me to walk away, I refused. And that faithfulness, that perseverance, has brought us to this beautiful place.
So wherever you are in your relationship journey, whether you're single, dating, engaged, married, struggling, or thriving, remember these three things: Remember your individual relationship with Christ. Love one another with honor and respect. Serve sacrificially with no strings attached.
Let this be a fresh start. Let God do something brand new in your relationships. Because when we get the fundamentals right, everything else falls into place. And that's when we become the kind of church family that shows the world what real love looks like.
