"Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle." - Romans 12:9-10
Welcome to week two of our Lovestrong series on relationships! Last week, we explored relationships in general, and today we're focusing specifically on marriage. Even if you're single, these principles apply to all relationships – especially the often-overlooked aspect of friendship within marriage.
We live in a world with unprecedented access to information. Everyone seems to be talking about Enneagrams, temperaments, love languages, and forgiveness languages. It sometimes feels like you need to read every book and become a psychologist to have a good marriage.
I'm grateful for this amazing book called the Bible. It outranks all of those self-help books (though they can be helpful tools). I wonder if having so much access to information has made us less diligent about actually applying what we learn. Today, I want you to leave changed, with more hope in our relationships because God has the power to transform them if we let Him.
What Makes Marriage Different From Other Relationships
Marriage is a sacred institution where a man and a woman enter into covenant with one another. It's a covenant of friendship, faith, unity, and love that reflects Jesus' love to our family and community. That's the purpose of marriage, and that's why sports analogies work so well when discussing it.
When learning a sport like pickleball, we don't just want to know how to hit the ball. We want to know how to win! What are the rules? What strategies work? That's how we should approach marriage. We need to understand:
- What marriage is
- What the rules are
- What the objective is
Our culture celebrates weddings far more than marriages. When someone announces their engagement, they receive more congratulations than ever before. But when someone celebrates a 10-year anniversary, the response is often much more subdued. We should be celebrating anniversaries much more enthusiastically – that's staying together, that's God's faithfulness!
The Non-Negotiable Foundation for a Lasting Marriage
My wife Amy and I will celebrate 24 years of marriage this August. We've worked on our marriage for years, gone through tough times, and learned from mentors. One thing we've discovered is that marriage is seasonal. A true, lasting marriage isn't always on the same page because people change. You're not the same person you were a year ago, let alone ten years ago.
Don't be discouraged if you're in a difficult season. The fact that you're seeking growth means God can work in your marriage. I want to encourage you: marriages will be healed as you apply these principles. When the enemy whispers that it's over, that's often a sign God has a bigger plan for your situation.
Here are five non-negotiable principles from our relationship that have helped us build a strong foundation:
1. Divorce Is Not an Option
This seems basic, but many couples weaponize this word and use it as leverage, especially young couples. Divorce should never be part of the marital vocabulary. The Bible says, "What God has joined together, let no man separate" (Matthew 19:6).
This isn't meant to condemn those who have experienced divorce but to encourage those who are married now to be responsible for their actions moving forward.
The only circumstances where divorce might be considered are situations involving adultery, or those involving abuse or where biblical counseling has been sought and the person remains completely unwilling to change.
When you remove divorce as an option, you're committing to figuring things out, working through challenges, and fighting together as partners.
2. Say "I Love You" With Your Heart, Never Tired or Fake
The Bible instructs us, "Do not let the sun go down on your wrath" (Ephesians 4:26). God acknowledges we'll face difficulties and have tough days. We don't have to be happy every minute or never disagree. But there's nothing so difficult that you can't reconcile with each other before sleep.
"I love you" should come genuinely from the heart. The notion that "we know we love each other, so we don't need to say it" misses something important. You do need to say it – your spouse needs to hear it, and you need to hear yourself express it. You need to hear it coming from your mouth and receive that affirmation in return.
In our home, expressing love is normal and expected. It might seem excessive to some, but we're intentional about letting each other know we love each other. Before bed, make sure it's sincere, not perfunctory. Sometimes varying how you express it helps maintain authenticity: "I want you to know how much I truly love you."
3. Always Make Each Other Feel Safe
Create an atmosphere of emotional safety where you regulate your responses and maintain open body language. If your spouse approaches you with "Can we talk about something?" and you respond defensively, you immediately create an unsafe environment where meaningful conversation becomes difficult.
Physical intimidation has no place in marriage. You shouldn't need to raise your voice to make a point. When our children were young, we made a conscious decision not to raise our voices. We believed that if our words weren't effective at normal volume, we needed to improve our communication rather than increase our volume.
Safety means knowing you can discuss difficult topics without fearing emotional explosions. Your spouse shouldn't feel they need to walk on eggshells around you. Creating safety means demonstrating that "You can talk to me about anything, and we'll work through it together."
4. Biblical Principles Run This House
This isn't something imposed by one spouse on the other. This is where husband and wife stand together and jointly commit, "Biblical principles govern our home." This represents a mutual decision.
Living biblically means:- Resolving conflicts according to Scripture- Addressing offenses biblically (Matthew 18)- Maintaining mutual accountability- Following biblical guidance for forgiveness
When someone apologizes, respond with maturity and forgiveness. Say, "I understand. I forgive you," and then adjust your demeanor accordingly. Choose to move forward rather than remaining stuck in patterns of offense.
Learn to both accept and offer sincere apologies. The simple phrase "I'm sorry" carries tremendous power when spoken genuinely.
5. Be Physically Affectionate, No Excuses
Make a deliberate choice to express love physically to your spouse. Even if your primary love language differs, physical touch remains important. The Song of Solomon provides biblical affirmation of passionate physical love within marriage.
Marriage encompasses more than physical intimacy – it needs emotional and spiritual connection too. However, Scripture teaches that our bodies belong to our spouse, and we shouldn't withhold ourselves from each other. This shouldn't be grudging but rather a mutual desire to connect and please one another.
The unique quality that distinguishes marriage from other relationships is this integrated intimate connection – physical, spiritual, and emotional. Don't deprive your relationship of this essential dimension just because you're temporarily misaligned.
When Your Spouse Isn't Reciprocating Your Efforts
What if your spouse doesn't respond to your initiatives? Scripture provides guidance for situations where others don't engage with us. Consider forgiveness – we forgive regardless of whether the other person acknowledges, wants, or appreciates it.
How you love your spouse reflects the kind of spouse God has called you to be – faithful, loving, invested. Consider the power of intercessory prayer. Pray meaningful prayers for your spouse's well-being, growth, protection, and divine favor.
When you invest spiritually in your marriage through consistent prayer and standing on God's promises, you build something of lasting value. Even if circumstances temporarily seem unbalanced, you're establishing a foundation that can withstand challenges. Kingdom investments yield returns that transcend momentary difficulties.
Practical Ideas to Strengthen Your Marriage Today
Consider implementing these approaches:
The Honor Challenge - Create a positive competition to see who can show more honor and service. Research confirms that gratitude strengthens relational bonds, so express appreciation generously.
The 5:1 Principle - Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman recommends maintaining at least five positive interactions for every negative one. After disagreements, intentionally create positive experiences – share a meal, watch something together, take a walk, express appreciation, reminisce about good times, or make plans together. Overwhelm difficulties with positive investments.
Retrain Your Brain Through Neuroplasticity - Our brains are remarkably adaptable. We can literally change our thought patterns through consistent behavior. Choose to focus on your spouse's positive qualities rather than shortcomings. Thirty days of disciplined thinking and speaking can produce noticeable results.
Value Micro-Moments - Small gestures like brief messages, meaningful glances, and small acts of kindness accumulate into significant relational capital over time. These little connections build a strong foundation.
Pray Together - My wife and I hold hands and pray before bed. Sometimes it's brief, sometimes more extensive, especially during significant life moments. We declare Scripture together and agree in prayer. In our experience, we have never united in prayer about something that God did not eventually address. Every challenge we've brought before Him has ultimately been met with His faithfulness.
Marriage Is a Team Sport – Like Pickleball
Just as in pickleball, marriage requires:
1. Serving – not competing against each other, but working together for mutual benefit
2. Mastering the small game – the consistent, everyday acts of love that build a strong relationship
3. Supporting each other – standing together through both successes and challenges
Don't Give Up on Your Marriage
Marriage naturally goes through seasons as people grow and change. Don't abandon your relationship because you're currently in a challenging phase. Those who persevere eventually experience renewed connection and fulfillment beyond what they imagined possible.
God can work through anyone who simply shows up with willingness. When discouragement comes and voices suggest it's over, recognize that God often has greater plans at work. Commit to loving authentically, avoiding destructive influences, embracing what's good, deepening friendship, and honoring one another above yourselves.
"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." – Joshua 24:15
