We experience conflict everywhere: friendships, family, marriages, and work. In order to grow, we have to be honest about our conflicts. Jesus gives us a step-by-step path to resolving conflict that few people enjoy following. In Matthew 5, 6 and 7, Jesus preaches his Sermon on the Mount. In this sermon, He defines what it means to follow Him. The message is confrontational and challenging.
“You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:21-24).
Reconciliation
There’s a term from scripture called “the ministry of reconciliation.” It means that we were formerly not in right standing with God, and because of Christ, we are now in right standing with Him. Since we have been set right with God, our natural response to Him is, “How could I ever repay you? How could I ever thank you?” Jesus’ response is clear: “If you want to thank me, go make things right with others.”
Conflict Aversion
Conflict resolution is vital in relationships, but our culture tends to be conflict-averse. We see conflict aversion especially in Gen Z. This generation avoids conflict because they have seen in their parents and grandparents’ marriages how damaging it can be if unresolved. To them, conflict means they’re going to lose something.
“We Need to Talk”
No one loves hearing the phrase “We Need to talk.” The minute we hear it, our mind to run wild with the most negative ideas of what the conversation could involve. However, in order to be healthy, we have to reframe the idea that conflict means loss. Actually, conflict gives you the opportunity to retain a relationship because unresolved conflict will always cost you. But if you can resolve the conflict, you strengthen the relationship.
When you've make it through conflict and reconcile, the relationship strengthens. So, instead of being so afraid when you hear, “We need to talk,” recognize, “Yes, we do, because this relationship matters too much!” Conflict resolution is what makes us better and stronger. We can't be afraid of it because it's the one thing that Jesus called us into.
Rupture and Repair
There are two cyclical events that occur over and over in healthy relationships: rupture and repair. Let me give you an anatomical example. When you pick up a weight at the gym to do a bicep curl, you put your muscle under tension and tiny tears are formed under the strain of the weight. Microfissures develop in the muscle, which is why you feel so sore after exercise. If you properly supplement, nourish, and rest, your body sends the resources needed to those ruptures, causing them to repair and the muscle to grow bigger than it was before. There has to be rupture and repair for growth.
Similar to our bodies, there has to be rupture and repair in our relationships for there to be growth. This is healthy. However, I’m very certain that very few of us were modeled healthy rupture and repair in our homes and in our parents’ marriages, so we don't always have a clear picture of what that looks like. Take a moment and self-assess what you witnessed in relationships growing up. On the spectrum of rupture and repair, what did you see the most?
Rupture-Centric Homes
Maybe you grew up in a rupture-centric home, where there was constant conflict, yelling, screaming, but no healthy demonstration of repair. Maybe emotions were discharged, but then it was glossed over and the conflict wasn’t really ever resolved. Some of us who grow up in environments like that become a thermometer because we’re never quite sure what kind of climate we’re walking into when we enter our homes. You became experts at “taking the temperature” and gauging what version of mom or dad you were getting. Are they angry, or are they happy? If this was your childhood, then rupture was a threat to you and you always had to feel your way through it and try to people-please. “Just make Mom happy and that will make things better.” Repair never seemed accessible, so you just had to survive.
If you were raised like this, there’s a very high chance that you’re handling conflict in your own relationship in a very similar way. You may just try to get through the conflict so you can feel better. We can't skip the important work of repair; of talking about it and getting into agreement with one another.
Rupture-Avoidant Homes
Or perhaps you're on the other end of the spectrum where your family did everything they could to avoid rupture. You never witnessed fighting or yelling. “Don’t make your father angry.” “Not in front of your grandma.” Everything was so rupture-avoidant and everyone played nice and sugar-coated things. If you were raised in this type of home, you may be so avoidant of rupture that the thought of it feels highly threatening. You think that if you have one fight, everything could go away. This causes conflict to feel cataclysmic to your relationships.
This is where abandonment issues come in, because if you’ve never had a healthy rupture, the idea of conflict can feel destructive at a nuclear level. If you're on that end of the spectrum of rupture and repair, you need to get honest. To follow the example I gave earlier, of rupture and repair in weight lifting, being conflict avoidant is like you’re in the gym lifting a one-pound weight hoping to grow stronger. If you never experience hurt, your relationships won’t grow. Sometimes you have to be the one to confront the situation and say, “Hey, your behavior is very selfish and it causes me to doubt that I can trust you in this situation. What can we do about this?”
Your Spirit, Your Responsibility
Jesus teaches us that it is our responsibility to tend to our own hearts. The crux of The Sermon on the Mount is about getting your heart right. If you think conflict resolution is about fixing other people, you have another thing coming. We can’t fix or control anyone or make them change.
Jesus calls us to conflict resolution because unresolved conflict can derail your destiny. It’s not about the other person; your unresolved conflict and unprocessed anger can lead to bitterness, anxiety, sickness, cynicism, and all kinds of issues that shut us down. We have too much to lose.
Build on Solid Ground
After Jesus laid out a clear prescription for conflict resolution, He concluded His sermon with this:
“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it” (Matthew 7:24-27).
If you hear the message of godly conflict resolution and don’t put it into practice, you’re building your relationships on insecure ground. The moment a storm comes, your marriage, your family, and your friendship will be washed away. The heart of God is for the strength of your household, friendships, and relationships. Healthy cycles of rupture and repair are how we build relational security.
Modeling Conflict Resolution To Our Children
Let’s look at the relationship between parent and child for an example of what healthy conflict resolution may look like. How do we build security in our children? By directly addressing the topics of your child's life, you model to them how to build relational confidence. It might sound like this: “You can tell Mommy and Daddy anything. We’re disappointed and we are angry, but we love you. We’ve been through so much together that this will always be a safe place for you. You can tell mommy and daddy anything.” Additionally, you can't only tell that to your child, you must show it to your child.
The best thing parents can do to help their children regulate themselves is to regulate ourselves. That might sound like a father saying to a child, “Daddy is very angry right now and upset. What you did was inappropriate and there will be a consequence. But I want you to know that we're going to fix this. You’re going to try again and you’re going to get it. Now, Daddy needs a few minutes to take some breaths.” Our spirit is our responsibility, and when we model this, we let our child see that we take responsibility for ourselves. We can say the right words all day, but if you are not coming from a place of internal peace, how can you make peace with another person?
The Goal: Reconnection
As a counselor, I sit with people often who are depressed, anxious, and bitter. This is from unprocessed issues in their history that then produce disorder in them. If you’re going to move toward resolution, you have to take ownership of your feelings. The goal in conflict resolution is not to be right or to prove a point, it’s to reconnect.
Getting conflict resolution right is essential to our future, because as Christians, we’re going to spend eternity with one another. My grandpa was a super-strict but loving Dominican man. My cousins and I used to play at his house, and we would sometimes get into arguments. When this would happen, he would make us go sit on the couch and hold hands. I hated this! Holding hands with the person who had made you so mad felt like the worst punishment.
I know now that my grandpa was teaching us a lesson that you might be in conflict, but you are still family. Hold hands, work it out. And interestingly enough, now, when my wife and I get into conflict with one another, we hold hands. It’s a reminder that we're connected even though we disagree.
So how do we go about resolving our conflicts? Jesus provided some practical steps in Matthew 18.
Step 1: Go to them alone.
Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (ESV).
The first thing that we need to do is go to them. That means person-to-person, not via text message or email. I also want to point out something that can be a bit startling if we’re not familiar with the true goal of Christian conflict resolution. What does Jesus say that the win is here? “If he listens to you.” It doesn’t say, “If he apologizes to you.” The base level “win” is if they listen. The goal is not to be right, it’s to be reconnected.
Step 2: If they won't listen, take one or two others.
Matthew 18:15 gives a follow-up for if Step 1 doesn’t work: “But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.”
This is where you bring one or two others who love both parties who are involved. My pastoral recommendation is to involve one or two others who are spiritually mature and who love both parties. This makes it clear that if we can't reconcile this issue, it affects more than just us. It affects the community because we're interconnected.
Step 3: If that doesn’t work, take it to the church.
Matthew 15:17 says, “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
If, after Steps One and Two, they still refuse to listen, get pastoral leadership involved. People come to me frequently with complaints about what others in the church have done to them, but my first question is, “Did you talk to them?” If they haven’t spoken to the offending party first, they’re going in the wrong direction.
Then, if they refuse to listen even to the church, Jesus says to then treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. We can read this and think of it being a three-strikes rule. But actually, this is not our excuse to finally give them a piece of our minds. It’s an opportunity to demonstrate radical Christlikeness. How did Jesus treat pagans and tax collectors?
When you've done all that you can do, bless them and go about your business. And if they want to come back, then the door is open.
Where Two Or Three
Matthew 15:18-20 says, “Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed[f] in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
We often read this passage and think it’s about small prayer meetings. It’s not - it’s about conflict resolution. If people who have been in conflict can join their hands together and pray and resolve that conflict, the presence of God fills that situation. It is holy and sacred.
When a husband and wife can reconcile, Jesus is in their midst. When fathers and children’s hearts are turned back towards each other, Jesus is there. When friends can be honest and heal their relationships, Jesus is present. This is where the presence of God is most glorified, in reconciliation.
What About Forgiveness?
This passage continues on: “Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 15:21-22).
If you start keeping a scoreboard of offenses, you might not like the score against you. Think of how God has forgiven us. In the final verses of Matthew 18, Jesus tells a story about a man who owed a huge amount of money and was asked to repay or be imprisoned. He begged for mercy, and the banker decided to forgive his debt. The man left, grateful for the mercy, and then went outside and saw someone who owed him a small amount. He choked him and says, “Where’s my money?” and demands he is thrown in jail. The people saw this happen and reported it to the banker. The banker said, “ And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’
If you're going through life with unforgiveness and unresolved conflict, you've lost sight of God's kindness to you. We don't forgive other people because they deserve it. We forgive other people because we didn't deserve forgiveness. God loved us so we can love others. But forgiveness is an internal choice. Forgiveness takes one person: you.
When Reconciliation Isn’t Possible
Sometimes there's no chance of reconciliation. Perhaps the other person is deceased, or perhaps they are actually unsafe for you to reconcile with. Please hear me well: Conflict is different from outright abuse. If your situation involves sexual and physical abuse, or if you are in an unsafe situation, Jesus isn’t telling you to risk your safety to go make it right. You should get the authorities involved.
What we’re talking about is relational issues between us and others that have to be made right. Even if you are in an unthinkable, terrible situation where reconciliation isn’t possible or a safe choice, it is possible to be brought personally to a place of forgiveness, because forgiveness only requires your participation, not the offending party’s.
The Results of Reconciliation
However, while forgiveness takes one person, reconciliation takes two people: you and them. It's something people have to work together to do. Reconciliation is the platform that I believe the church is meant to preach its greatest sermons upon. Reconciliation glorifies God in the earth. It allows us to proclaim the favor of God.
When a husband and wife can say, “We wouldn't be married if it weren't for the grace of God! It's not perfect, it's not pretty, but it's reconciled. And if He did it for us, He can do it for you!” that glorifies God!
When a person can say, “My parents almost broke me and my trauma almost ended me, but I am forgiving them. We're working on healing,” that glorifies God!
Right now, the only solution in culture for conflict is cancellation. But what about grace and reconciliation? We as believers can lead the way in reconciliation, in restoration, and in second (and third, and fourth, and fifth) chances. We have to do the hard work of rupture and repair, because when our relationships go through the fire, they come out stronger and more durable than ever before.
Put It Into Practice
Take a few seconds and ask the Holy Spirit to show you one relationship that He would have us work toward reconciliation in. When God speaks, we obey. So you may need to make a phone call or get coffee with that person (don’t do it over text message - that’s not a great place to resolve conflicts). Connect at the heart level with that person, because this isn’t about being right, it’s about being reconnected.
