Shame Over: The Day You Stop Living at the Place You Were Wounded

I've spent most of my life saying things I shouldn't say. I'm that guy who opens his mouth and confirms what people already suspected. The Bible says it's better to be quiet and be perceived a fool than to open your mouth and confirm it, right? Well, Peter was that guy too. And maybe that's why I connect with him so deeply.

When the Rooster Crows

In one of the most devastating moments of scripture, Jesus is having the Last Supper with His disciples, and He tells them that someone in the room is going to betray Him. More than that, people are going to fall away because of Him that very night.

Peter steps right up. "Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will" (Matthew 26:33).

But Jesus knows better. "Truly I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times."

Peter doubles down. "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you."

Later that night, after Jesus is arrested, Peter follows at a safe distance. Already, the tough guy is gone. He's scared, afraid for his own life. And there, warming himself by a fire, a servant girl recognizes him. "This man was with him."

"Woman, I don't even know him," Peter says.

It happens two more times: different people, same denial. And then, just as Peter speaks his third denial, a rooster crows. At that exact moment, Jesus turns and looks at Peter. Can you imagine that look? Not a look of condemnation, but one that says, "What did I tell you?"

Luke 22:62 tells us that Peter "went outside and wept bitterly."

The Difference Between Guilt and Shame

Here's what I need you to understand: guilt says "I did something bad," but shame says "I am something bad."

All of us feel guilty when we make mistakes. That's normal and healthy. But shame is different. Shame doesn't just remind you of what you did; it redefines who you are. It becomes your identity.

Psychology tells us that the same part of the brain that registers physical pain is activated when we experience shame. You know that excruciating pain when you accidentally rip a hangnail and it tears all the way up? That's the level of suffering our brain experiences with shame. And we wonder why we get so depressed and isolated, and why we stop going to church and living the Christian life we're called to live.

Hebrews 12:2 says Jesus endured the cross, "despising the shame." Jesus knew the shame affiliated with the cross, and it was a joyous occasion for Him to be willing to go there so you and I never have to live in shame.

My Story: When Accomplishment Became My Anesthesia

I grew up in church. My parents were evangelists. From the time I was three or four years old, I would kneel at altars and weep, feeling the presence of God. I loved Jesus from a very young age.

When I was twelve, I was staying at a friend's house. He reached under his bed and pulled out his father's collection of pornography. I had never seen anything like that in my entire life. I didn't know what to do with the feelings that happened to me in that moment.

That night started an almost twenty-year journey of addiction. Twenty years of loving God while simultaneously feeling worthless. Twenty years of crying out to Him, "Lord, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again," only to fail three days later. A week later. Over and over again.

My parents always told me I could talk to them about anything, that they would love me no matter what. But I couldn't tell them. I didn't want to disappoint them. I didn't want to make them sad. So I tried to fix it myself. And I failed. Over and over and over.

You know what I did instead? I found that the way to get the affirmation I was missing because of the worthless feeling I felt was to try to do it through accomplishment. I would create these big ministry ideas to evangelize and reach people. I thought if I could prove to God how good I was and how serious I was about loving Him, then finally He would love me enough or be proud of me enough that I would be able to put my struggle behind me.

But it never happened. Accomplishment became my anesthesia.

Breaking Free from the Cycle

It wasn't until my thirties that everything changed. I was at a men's conference, and they were teaching about the love of the Father. The leader told us to take ten or fifteen minutes and just think about God's love for us.

In that moment, I felt the Father wrap His arms around me and say, "Jeffrey, I loved you before this was a problem. I loved you when it was a problem. And I'm going to love you when it's not a problem anymore."

His love covered every area of my life and broke that stronghold. That's the moment I was completely and totally set free from the addiction to pornography for the rest of my life. Not because I finally got strong enough. Not because I accomplished enough. But because I finally understood how much He loved me.

The devil was saying, "See, you can't quit." But my mentality changed in that moment. I said, "You're right. I can't quit. But Jesus did for me."

The devil said, "You're not enough." And I said, "You're right. I am not enough. But Jesus is enough."

My victory didn't begin with me putting my foot down and saying, "This is finished." No, it began the moment Jesus was on the cross and He said, "It is finished."

Going Back to Your Old Life

After Jesus' resurrection, Peter makes an announcement: "I'm going fishing."

Remember, Peter was a fisherman before Jesus called him to follow Him. So when the shame became too much, when the weight of what he'd done pressed down on him, he went back to what was comfortable. Back to the old way.

And you know what's sad? The other disciples said, "We'll go with you."

Many times, when you're living in shame and tied to the mistakes of your past, it's easier to go back to what you used to do than to do what you know you’re called to do.

They fished all night and caught nothing. But when the sun came up, Jesus was standing on the beach. They didn't recognize Him. Isn't it interesting that when you go back to your old way of life and get caught up in shame, Jesus might be standing right in front of you, but you don't even recognize Him?

Jesus tells them to throw their net on the right side of the boat. Not just any side. The right side. He was saying, "You're on the wrong side. You're doing it wrong. Start doing things the right way."

When they pulled up the net, it was so full they couldn't haul it in. John recognized Him first: "It is the Master!" And Peter, inspired by hope, jumped into the water and swam to Jesus.

Hope is a beautiful thing.

Breakfast by the Fire

When they got to shore, Jesus had a fire going. He was cooking fish and bread. "Breakfast is ready," He said.

I love breakfast. But I especially love that Jesus prepared breakfast for the boys after what they'd been through. After the shame. After the failure. After going back to their old lives. He invited them to an intimate moment.

This is critical: Peter denied Christ by a fire. And Jesus restored him by a fire.

Jesus came to the shore and built a fire, as if to say, "I was with you back there at your place of failure, and I'm with you here. I'm going to restore you at the very place that you failed."

After breakfast, Jesus asked Peter three times: "Do you love me?" Three denials. Three questions. Three opportunities to affirm his love.

The final time, Jesus said, "Feed my sheep."

What Shame Does to Your Future

Here's what I've learned: shame doesn't just haunt your past; it hijacks your purpose.

When we allow shame to whisper in our ear, we disqualify ourselves. We say, "God will find somebody else. There are so many other people out there who are more qualified." However, what we often overlook is that those "qualified" individuals also have their own problems. They're just learning how to deal with the shame, guilt, and issues that everyone faces as they grow in their relationship with Christ.

A man cut off from his future will always go back to his past. We go back over and over to the same place. Peter wasn't just denying Jesus anymore; he was denying his own future.

The Knock at the Door

Revelation 3:20 says, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me."

Jesus wants to have breakfast with you. He's knocking at the door. But here's what I want you to think about: when you hear a knock at the door of your heart, there are two people standing outside. Jesus is out there, and shame is out there.

Who you choose to let in determines your future.

Can you believe that we've invited shame into our lives to remind us of what we used to be before Christ, when Christ wants to come in and remind us not only that we're not that person anymore, but talk about who we are in Him and what our future looks like?

Three Types of Sorrow

Second Corinthians 7:10 says, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."

Let me break this down for you:

Repentance is God-centered. It says, "I grieved His heart, and I want to change."

Remorse is self-centered. It says, "I hate that I got caught."

Shame is enemy-centered. It says, "I'm beyond help."

Repentance restores relationship. Remorse protects reputation. Shame destroys identity.

The Loser's Limp

Last night I was watching football with my family. The quarterback threw a bad pass that got intercepted. Before the interception, he was fine, looking downfield. The moment it was intercepted, suddenly he's hurt, lying on the ground.

You know what that's called in sports? The loser's limp.

Ever notice how a receiver who drops a pass suddenly starts limping? But if they catch it, they're talking trash and dancing. If they drop it, they're injured.

I think Peter was having this moment with Jesus on that shore where Jesus was saying, "Peter, go back in the game." And Peter was saying, "But Jesus, I can't. I'm hurt."

What Jesus said is this: "Son, we are all hurt. It's time to put some tape on that ankle. You have a future. The team is on the field. We need you. It's time to start doing what we've practiced to do. I'm not saying it won't hurt, but everybody has been hurt. You're going to have to learn how to play through the pain and let me heal you along the way."

Healing Through Cold Water

I've been doing cold plunge therapy for my back. The first time I put my toe in, I thought it would fall off. I'm telling you, it's the worst pain. I couldn't stay in for fifteen seconds.

But I kept going back, each time a little longer. The other day I did four minutes.

Did I master my mind? No. I just made a decision that if I'm ever going to heal, there's going to be some pain along the way. I'm going to have to go through some painful process of healing.

If you don't get in the game now, you'll never get in.

Peter's Redemption

People criticize Peter for being a loudmouth. For saying things he couldn't back up. For making promises he couldn't keep.

But after Pentecost, when the Holy Spirit fell, Peter preached, and 3,000 people got saved. Peter healed the lame man. Peter stood before the Sanhedrin fearlessly. Peter's shadow healed the sick. When Tabitha died, Peter raised her from the dead. Peter spread the gospel to the Gentiles, opening the door for people like you and me to be saved.

And at the end of his life, when they said they would crucify him, Peter said, "I'm not worthy to die the death Jesus died. Turn the cross upside down."

Peter the coward became Peter the cornerstone. Peter the denier became Peter the deliverer. Peter the broken became Peter the bold.

Your Future Starts Today

You don't heal by performing better. You heal by believing better.

Shame says, "Try harder." The gospel says, "He already did it."

Every place you say, "I can't," heaven answers, "He already has."

Shame paralyzes you, but purpose mobilizes you. It mobilizes you to step out into your future.

So today I say to you what Jesus said to Peter: Feed my sheep.

Get back in the game. Go back to school again. Start the business again. Go to church again. Call your family again. Launch the ministry. Restore the marriage. Mentor someone. Serve again.

He's not asking you for perfection. He's asking you for participation.

Some of you pressed pause on your life many years ago. You can see that there's more to your story, but you've been stuck. It's time to unpause. It's time to fast forward to the future God has called you to.

It's time to hit "live."

This is the day for something to change in your life that you've been unable to identify for a long time. The Holy Spirit is revealing it to you right now. You don't have to live under the cloud of shame anymore.

Whom the Son sets free is free indeed.