Relational Capacity: Why the Right Relationships Require the Right Foundation

There's a proverb that has shaped how I think about every relationship in my life. Proverbs 24:3-4 says, "By wisdom a house is built; through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures." I love that picture because it tells me something important: the most valuable things in life don't happen by accident. They're built with intention. And that includes our relationships.

We spend so much of our lives learning how to succeed at work, how to manage money, how to get ahead in our careers. But how much time do we spend learning how to build the relationships that actually shape who we become? If you've ever heard the phrase "show me your friends and I'll show you your future," I'd say there's probably not a truer statement I can think of. If I can look at who someone runs with, I can find out who they talk like, who they think like, and who they act like. You become like the people you surround yourself with.

When God Asks You to Let Go

One of the hardest things God ever asked me to do was walk away from a friendship. I was 18 years old, freshly ordained in ministry, and trying to figure out what this calling on my life was all about. And one of the very first things God spoke to me was that I needed to end a close relationship with my two best friends.

These weren't bad guys. They were brilliant. One went on to build a $35 million firm in North Florida. The other started a hugely successful magazine. They were funny, smart, and we got along really well. But they didn't share my passion for Jesus. And every time I was around them, I felt myself being pulled more toward their trajectory than they were being pulled toward mine. It was two against one, and I could feel myself drifting.

When I told them, it didn't go well. I got the whole "Oh, you think you're so holy" treatment. But I had to put my foot down and say, "I love you, I appreciate you, but I can't keep going down this road." That decision was painful, but it freed me to move toward the things God had for me. I never would have gotten here otherwise.

Here's what I want you to hear: your history with someone does not determine your destiny with them. Just because you've known someone forever doesn't mean they belong in your future. That's the history of your relationship, not its destiny.

Stop Choosing Chemistry Over Capacity

Our culture tells us to follow our hearts. “Swipe culture” suggests there are endless options out there. But here's the problem: we keep choosing chemistry over capacity. We're drawn to how someone makes us feel in the moment instead of asking what kind of weight this relationship can actually carry over time.

I'm talking about friendships just as much as dating. When it comes to investing our lives in relationships, we have to think about capacity. What kind of capacity does this relationship have for us to grow in the things of God? To be a blessing to each other? To go somewhere meaningful together?

And for the single people reading this, I want to say something directly to you: nothing is wrong with you. Singleness is not a waiting room. Singleness is a weight room. It's a season where you develop character, build your muscles, and train for what's next in your life. Whether that's a romantic relationship or deep personal friendships, you're building something valuable right now. Don't let culture pressure you into rushing that process. Some of the best relationships I know started later in life. Wouldn't you rather wait for the right person than rush into something that falls apart early?

The Pop-Tart Principle

I want to tell you about something that happened to me the morning I preached this message. I woke up early, thinking about the sermon and the day ahead, and I did what any reasonable person would do: I made a Pop-Tart. But not just any Pop-Tart. I had a strawberry Pop-Tart, and for some reason, I was also craving peanut butter. So I put peanut butter on the Pop-Tart. I know, I know. My son was horrified.

It looked amazing. I picked it up by the end, ready to take that first bite, and the whole thing just broke apart. The peanut butter was too heavy, and I was left holding the edge of a broken Pop-Tart, feeling embarrassed in front of God alone in my kitchen.

But honestly? That's a picture of what happens in so many relationships. We put too much weight on something that doesn't have the capacity to hold it. And if we're really honest with ourselves when we look back at relationships that fell apart, it wasn't always the other person who lacked capacity. Sometimes it was us. We didn't have the capacity to handle the pressure being placed on us. That's why I want to talk about building what I call relational capacity.

Order Determines Capacity

Order determines capacity. Every husband here knows what I'm talking about. When you're packing the trunk for a family trip, there's something about getting every suitcase in there just right. If you throw stuff in randomly, you can barely fit anything. But when you put things in the right order, it's remarkable how much that same trunk can hold.

The same is true in our lives. When our priorities are out of order, our capacity shrinks. When we put things in the right order, with God at the center, with our character aligned, and with our habits pointing us in the right direction, it's amazing how much relational capacity we suddenly have.

I also believe that most of our capacity gets built in obscurity. I don't think God develops greatness on a stage. I see it all through Scripture. David wrote the Psalms alone in a field. Moses spent 40 silent years in the wilderness before God called him. Joseph was faithful in a prison cell long before he stood in a palace. Private devotion builds public stability, and preparation time is never wasted time.

Seven Ways to Build Your Relational Capacity

I want to give you seven areas where you can grow your relational capacity. These apply whether you're single, dating, married, or simply trying to build stronger friendships.

Emotional Capacity: Can you regulate yourself? Proverbs 16:32 says, "Better a patient person than a warrior." How do you handle anger? Do you escalate or regulate? When jealousy rises, do you trust or try to control? Can you celebrate someone else's success without comparison? When sadness hits, do you process it or project it onto the people around you?

Spiritual Capacity: How anchored are you in God? Matthew 6:6 tells us to pray in secret, and that our Father who sees what's done in secret will reward us. Your spiritual capacity is determined by who you are when nobody is watching. Worshiping without an audience. Obeying without applause. Holding convictions that aren't borrowed from a sermon or an Instagram post.

Character Capacity: Who are you when it costs you? Proverbs 20:7 says the righteous walk in integrity. Character capacity means truthfulness when lying would be easier. It means financial honesty, keeping your commitments, and holding firm to boundaries you've set. Spiritual passion without character discipline will always lead to collapse.

Conflict Capacity: Can you repair what you rupture? Ephesians 4:26 says, "Don't let the sun go down while you're angry." Nobody wants to do that, but it works. All couples fight. All friends disagree. The question isn't whether conflict will happen, it's what you do with it. Immature people fight to win. Mature people fight to repair. I've almost gotten into fistfights with some of my closest friends on the golf course over the most ridiculous things. But we talk about it, we laugh about it, we admit when we were wrong, and it makes the friendship stronger. You cannot build something lasting with someone who doesn't know how to repair.

Intimacy Capacity: Can you be known without performing? Genesis 2:25 says Adam and Eve were naked and felt no shame. They had nothing to hide. But sin introduced shame, and shame taught us to cover up. Real intimacy isn't a physical thing first. My parents taught me the best definition years ago: "into me, see." It's the ability for someone to see into your life clearly. If you're dating someone, are they open about their story? Do they name their fears and failures? Do you? If you or they can only connect through humor or charm but can't talk about the real stuff, that's a sign that healing still needs to happen before that kind of relationship is ready.

Stewardship Capacity: Can you carry responsibility? Luke 16:10 says if you're faithful in little, you'll be faithful in much. Are you stewarding what's been given to you? Your finances, your work ethic, your follow-through? Marriage isn't just romance. It's governing things together: money, time, schedules, children, and vision.

Wisdom Capacity: Can you build with a long-term view? Proverbs 4:5 says, "Get wisdom, get understanding." This includes intellectual connection. If your favorite conversation is deep philosophy and the person you're interested in only wants to talk about cartoons, you might have a disconnect. Your heart connection matters most, but there has to be some common ground where you can grow together.

Same Place, Same Pace

I want to leave you with this picture. When you're evaluating any relationship, ask yourself: are we in the same place and moving at the same pace? You can be standing right next to someone and still be facing completely different directions. I don't want to build my life fighting against the person next to me. I want to build alongside someone where we're harnessing our gifts and our energy together for the purposes of God.

So let me ask you three honest question:.

• Where have you been? Have you processed your past, or are you projecting it into your future? 

• Where are you now? Are you stable or drifting? Growing or stagnant? 

• Where are you going? Is your direction proven in your daily habits?

God does not increase covenant weight until He increases relational capacity. So build yours. Invest in yourself. Let God develop you in the quiet, hidden places. And trust that when the time is right, the relationships He brings into your life will have the capacity to go the distance.